RANDALL MONROE | XKCD
RYAN NORTH | DINOSAUR COMICS
EMILY HORNE AND JOEY COMEAU | A SOFTER WORLD
FOR THE BOWLING FAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING
James Lileks | Lint
For the bowling fan who has everything except taste and self-mastery over his habits. You’ll want to pour two 8-ounce glasses of straight whiskey right away, because after the first you can’t pour as well.
Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner
Andrea Pitzer | McSweeney’s
Whom we play tonight hardly matters. I pretend it is a game before my youth, or after my death. Our opponents are penguins or sharks, or nature incarnate (leaves, lightning).
The thock of the dropped puck, the scramble that follows, are all predictable enough. After more shutouts to my credit than birthdays—and I am not a young man—I can hardly be bothered to attend to the prescribed rituals. My joy comes from observing the boil on the neck of the squat referee, the downy fur on the upper lip of the coach’s wide-eyed daughter, the jewel-hued Gatorade bottles lining the locker room during intermission.
The rink splays beneath flat lights that turn the spectators to ghosts. I look out on them and see my own dead assembled in the crowd. Near the penalty box sits my fat, speckled governess, her bosom trembling in a tangerine and cobalt jersey. As she turns to launch a cup at someone behind her, I realize she is wearing my number.
I catch a glimpse of my childhood love three rows back; she seems to float, diaphanous.
Jason Roeder | McSweeney’s
If the waitress is right, pal, you’ll be popping out of the kitchen any minute now. I guess this letter is a way for me to take my mind off my anxiety and also introduce myself to you. Because once you’re on the table in front of me, things are going to start moving pretty fast. I’ll be too busy eating you to talk to you as much as I’d like. And, in this life, there are some things you absolutely need to know.
That sounded pretty confident, didn’t it? The truth is, I don’t have all the answers. To be honest, there’s not much I can guarantee other than the fact you’ll be completely in my stomach ten minutes after you enter this world. But I’m forty years old (which must seem ancient to you), and I’d like to think I’ve learned some lessons the hard way that might make things easier on you.
Jeremy Blachman | McSweeney’s
Do you wish for more workplace flexibility? A family-friendly culture? Would you like to work from home?
Well, now you can. In fact, you must. Starting next week, all of our employees will be required to work from home.
Or, more specifically, H.O.M.E., our new Headquarters Of Mass Enslavement overlooking the river, with jogging trails, a rock climbing wall, subsidized massages, and an electric fence. This week, we’ll be assigning each of you to your very own apartment-style office, where you will have the flexibility to live, work, and play in a well-designed space of just under 60 square feet, complete with wireless Internet and fully-wired furniture which will shock you awake if you attempt to fall asleep anytime between 5AM and midnight, which will be your new standard work-from-H.O.M.E. hours
Michael Peck | Foreign Policy
From: Imperial Government Accountability Office (IGAO)
To: Lord Vader
Cc: Imperial Navy
Subject: Death Star Requires Better Project Management and Oversight
The Death Star project (also known as the Planetoidal Combat Ship, or PCS) has been the single largest defense acquisition in Imperial history, and has run considerably over budget. At the request of Emperor Palpatine, the IGAO has conducted a performance review of the Death Star, with reference to best practices in procurement and project management. Our research is based on numerous interviews with Imperial Navy leaders as well as Imperial Ministry of War senior executives. Our findings are summarized below:
Frequent Turnover in Senior Personnel Hampers Continuity. Competent management is key to a project as large as the construction of a moon-sized warship. Yet the unfortunate deaths of the last five Imperial admirals in charge of the Death Star project have contributed to a lack of continuity and institutional memory. We estimate that repeated asphyxiation of project managers has set back construction of the PCS by 16 months. Senior Imperial Navy leadership informs us that there have been difficulties in recruitment of qualified candidates, with several promising officers suddenly requesting early retirement when queried about becoming project leaders. Recommendation: Motivating project leaders through incentives such as cash bonuses, slaves, and land grants on habitable worlds. A reduction in the use of strangulation as a motivational tool.
THE DAILY SHOW
THE COLBERT SHOW