THE DAILY SHOW
THE COLBERT REPORT
StickleyMan | Reddit | via Slate
[ED. Some of my favorites. There are hundreds more if you follow the link.]
From user guitartard: “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
From user phattmatt: “Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
From user android47: “A programmer’s wife tells him: ‘Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.’ The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.”
jdefaver 3105: A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.
From user Arcadian5656:A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!”
From user Saboot: “Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, ‘Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?’ Gödel replies, ‘We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.’ Chomsky says, ‘Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.’ ”
From user doodeemachetto: A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”
Users Stratisphear and arnedh: A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens. So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution. The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies “Well, I’ve found a solution, but it will only work for spherical chickens of uniform density in a vacuum”
From user Unknownaus: Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was “how much is one plus one”.
The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number
The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001
The engineer quickly said: oh! its easy! its two,…. no, better make it three, just to be safe.
From the user rabbidruster: During the French revolution a priest, a drunk and an engineer are sent to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, “Hey, I see what your problem is …”
From user smickie: There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
From user skullturf: There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure